___________________

Source: SFGate.com

Bizarro.com

Steven Wright is the comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Swami Beyondananda has said, "The only thing certain in life is uncertainty, and come to think of it, I'm not even sure that is true."

Certainly the changes in life can bring uncertainty, and there's nothing like humor to help us develop the flexibility to release old mental habits and find new ways of seeing. For laughter is indeed a mind-altering substance. A good paradoxical joke can wrestle the mind to the ground and allow surrender to a deeper reality.

There's an old story about a reporter interviewing Albert Einstein at his laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey. The reporter was surprised to see a large horseshoe hanging over the professor's office doorway.

"Professor Einstein," she asked, "you're a great scientist. Surely you don't believe a horseshoe will bring good luck." "Of course I don't," he replied. "Then why is the horseshoe up there?" the reporter insisted. "Because it works whether you believe it or not."

For centuries, Zen masters have been using the "Zen koan" to trick the logical mind and elicit moments of enlightenment. Like the classic, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" paradox forces the mind off of its usual pathways and offers a glimpse of the infinite.

More and more, people are putting the mind in its proper place — as a creative servant of the heart, rather than a ruler bent on control. One of the important pieces of wisdom that we can glean, is that being in the flow works far better than being in control. Humor and laughter can help stretch us beyond the borders of our usual thinking and put us in the flow of creativity. The following humor-cultivating practices can help you use the mind to generate creative options rather than to obsess, worry and control.

Pumping Ironies. Swami Beyondananda has uncovered a debilitating mental condition which keeps us from truly using our power — irony deficiency. "Seeing a doctor won't help," Swami says, "but seeing a paradox will." Irony deficiency results not so much from lack of irony in our lives — ironies abound in our insane society — but rather from our inability to see or process these ironies. How else could a "freedom-loving" country such as theU.S. have more people behind bars than any other country in the free world? Or help other nations negotiate for peace yet be the largest exporter of arms in the world?

As we pump these ironies — bring them to consciousness through humorous exaggeration — we take the first step at resolving the glaring contradictions in our culture and our own lives.

The simplest irony is the oxymoron, which can be as innocent as "jumbo shrimp" or as tragic as "holy war." I suggest you find yourself a list of oxymorons — they seem to be circulating all over the web — and see if you can add a few of your own. Next, look to your own life and begin to notice incongruities that you can bring to light through humor. You might begin with the phrase, "How come ...?" "How come I am so insanely busy during my leisure time?" "How come I spend almost as much on child care as I earn after taxes on my job?" "How come I am willing to drive around aimlessly for forty-five minutes rather than 'waste time' asking for directions?" As we bring paradox to consciousness, we are more likely to see solutions that fall outside the box of our "normal" thinking.

Reframing. Reframing is a shift in context that allows us to look at a situation in a more useful way. For example, singer-songwriter Jana Stanfield's tune, "I'm Not Lost, I'm Exploring" has helped countless listeners reframe overt chaos as covert growth.

Perhaps the master of reframe was the gifted hypotherapist, Dr. Milton Erickson, whose work was the foundation of what is now called Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). When Erickson was a young resident at a psychiatric hospital, one of the inmates had delusions of being Jesus Christ. One day, Erickson approached him and said, "I understand you have some experience as a carpenter." The man, of course, could not contradict this suggestion without denying his delusion — and went on to become a competent woodworker.

How can you humorously reframe your challenges and failings? As the Swami says, "Never, never, never call yourself a failure. Instead say, 'I am tremendously successful at failing'." Taking a cue from Jana Stanfield, fill in the blanks: "I'm not _____, I'm ______ing." Once you learn how easily the mind can be outwitted, you will learn to outwit it yourself!

Practice Seeing Funny. Sometimes people mistakenly believe that to appreciate and share healing laughter, you have to be funny. As the Swami would say, "Don't worry about being funny. You're already funnier than you can ever imagine."

The key to using humor to free your mind is to practice noticing multiple layers of meaning. Just this morning, I was looking through a newspaper, and an ad for a law firm caught my eye. These feisty attorneys were aptly named "Armstrong and Rangel."

A good way to practice seeing funny is to get a copy of Jay Leno's book on funny headlines or the National Lampoon photos of real signs or books of bloopers, and just enjoy seeing how unintentionally funny we can be when we only see one level of meaning.

The good news is, seeing funny can be learned — and it's contagious. I recently had to decline being part of a Beatles revival at an upcoming conference because of scheduling conflicts. To soften the situation somewhat, I wrote, "I won't be able to make it, by George. Hope this doesn't send you running to the John or otherwise cast a Paul on the event. You'd better give another musician a Ringo."

Within hours I had an e-mailed reply from the otherwise-serious conference coordinator: "OK. Guess I'll have to find some local Yoko."

The Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH)

presents Steve Bhaerman aka Swami Beyondananda

Through extensive research I have found that because of the way the brain is made, every time you sneeze, all of the numbers in your head advance by one digit. The implications of this fact are fascinating.

If you are skeptical about this, I think I can prove it is true if we make a few assumptions as we think about it together.

Think of a low number and call it out. (I will assume that you called out the number 8.) By this theory, before you sneezed the last time, that number would have been 7.

Call out another number. (I will assume that you called out 15). Excellent number! You have not sneezed since we were considering the number 8 in the previous paragraph, so no numbers have moved forward and 15 is an accurate number.

Pick another low number that is higher than 15. (I will assume that you called out 20.) Now hold that number for a moment.

What number do you get when you add the numbers 40 and 50? You get 90! Correct?

Now, subtract your previously high number of 20 from 90—what number do you get? That is correct, you get 70. At this rate, it will take you 70 more sneezes to get from 20 to 90. And that is just one straight-line row of numbers in your head.

Get ready now. Here comes the blockbuster: just as that one row of numbers advanced one digit per sneeze, ALL NUMBERS in your brain, unilaterally, move forward one digit each time you sneeze. Think of it! According to this theory, all numbers advance like a moving wall of digits each time you sneeze.

As you keep sneezing, all the numbers keep advancing, simultaneously, and they begin to bunch up in your pointed head. When they bunch up, this could be the reason for your headaches. I feel sorry for you, but this just illustrates that life is tough.

There are some actual facts you are dealing with here:

1) Sneezing is usually involuntary, and you will keep doing it.

2) A reasonable amount of sneezing is desirable because, the more you sneeze, the higher numbers you will have in your brain.

3) The higher numbers you have to work with, the better you will be in math. (If you only have low numbers, it is more difficult to work big math problems that require large numbers and lots of them.)

This in my advice on the matter:

Sneeze as often as you can!

Run up the numbers in your brain as high as possible!

Maybe, one day you will be able to balance your checkbook!

Source: Spirits Laughing

When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied:  "I wish no gifts, only presence."  - Author Unknown

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.  - Author Unknown

The last time I opened my chakra so I could feel my peace, I got thrown right out of the pub.  - Terri Guillemets

Heisenberg:

Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Xeno:

The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an infinitesimal number of segments between him and the other side.

Einstein:

It depends on the chicken's frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken.

Nietzche:

If the chicken gazes too long across the road, the road will also gaze into the chicken.

Newton:

Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.  Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Plato:

The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road.  Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.

Karl Marx:

She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

Aristotle:

It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Lao-tzu:

Those who cluck do not know.

Those who know do not cluck.

Jean Paul Sartre:

To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

T.S.Eliot:

To leave the place she knew for another place

And to stay there for a while

And then to move onward to a third place.

Buddha:

To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.

Charles Darwin:

It was the next step after coming down from the trees.

Confucius:

When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely.

Friederich Nietzsche:

There was no chicken, no road, no crossing.  There was only an interpretation.

Darth Vader:

She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Weekly World News:

Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Plato:

Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined inasmuch as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Vergil:

Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the road

To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot

Of the "don't walk" sign...

Lao-tzu:

The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road because that is the way of Tao.

Anonymous:

To show the armadillo it could be done.

Bizarro.com

Who remembers Winky Dink, a 1950’s interactive TV show that seems so quaint and innocent now?

You ordered a “special” blue-green tinted plastic shield advertised at the end of each show (any clear plastic wrap would probably have worked just as well).  At the start of each show you would apply your shield over the TV screen.  Winky Dink would find himself in various situations that required you to help him (it?) escape.  A typical scenario was helping him cross a canyon by drawing a bridge from one side to the other with a “magic” crayon.

I’m not sure, but I’m thinking this may have been one of my few childhood experiences of a sense of power, both from the perspective of feeling needed as well as believing I could actually “save” someone in peril.

 Thanks, Winky Dink, for giving me my first experience of "empowerment."

-  A.G.R

 

Ever find yourself longing for the “good old days?”  When we thought we knew who the heroes and villains were?  When the “good guys” were rewarded and the “bad guys” got what they deserved and more? 

I was pondering the “black and white” era of the 1950’s when I suddenly had a longing to see one of my favorite childhood shows, Flash Gordon.  Imagine my delight when I found this incredible blog:

Tony LoBue’s Flash Gordon Web Site: http://flashgordon.ws/

Not only does this site have everything you’d ever want to know about the Flash Gordon series, it has the original music (!) and it’s loaded with incredible photos.  There's even a Flash Gordon Forum, where you can register and participate in discussions.

Enjoy!

"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."

"Don't just do something, sit there."

"Life is hard.  It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe Blfsplk was a hapless character in Al Capp's Li'l Abner comic strip who unknowingly brought disaster wherever he went.  How many of us unconsciously walk around with our own dark cloud?

Copyright © 2006 Capp Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

Al: I think I’m having a breakthrough revelation, Dr. Kaputchnik.

Dr. Kaputchnik: Excellent, Al . . . What is it?

Al: It only hurts when I live.

©2006 J.C. Duffy

Declared and Absurdified by Swami Beyondananda