S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

Note: S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

Note: S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

What have I had the opportunity to learn or relearn this last year?

When other people express upset or anger with me, most of the time their emotional reaction is 90% about them and 10% about me.  I just get to be the lightning rod for their inner turmoil.

Likewise, when I feel and communicate upset or anger with others, most of the time my emotional reaction is 90% about me and 10% about them.  They just get to be the lightning rod for my inner turmoil.

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If I want something, I have to ask for it.  I know that sounds obvious, but I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get what I want without having to ask.  Why doesn’t everyone just know what I want by now?

When I ask for something, I might not get it.  How rude.

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The world doesn’t revolve around me.  It was here long before me and will live and thrive long after I’m gone.  Again, how obvious.  Again, how rude.

Life goes on after people who were important and significant to many or to us personally leave us.  There is the shock immediately after their passing that makes us feel as if life is standing still, but it wears off in time.  Then we move on, carrying grief or other emotions as we go.  It doesn’t seem right that life just goes on, but that’s the way it is.

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I can be the nicest guy on the planet, but not everything is going to work out in my favor anyway.  I can also be a big jerk, but mostly that doesn’t work either.  Darn.

I’m finally realizing that “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth” probably has more to do with acceptance and patience and other inner qualities being their own reward than it does with being handed a big bundle of cash for being humble.

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Even though I haven’t achieved many of my dreams and goals, I still have this moment and all the potential moments in front of me to keep trying.

Why give up now?  Who knows what’s around the corner?  And at least I’m still learning, slowly but steadily.

-  A.G.R

 

Note: S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

I have chronic neck pain.  For a person who prides himself on taking responsibility for the ongoing maintenance of his health and wellbeing through various holistic methods, this is quite an admission. 

I’m continually surprised whenever I’m confronted with any bodily dysfunction, from cracked tooth to sore muscles to headache.  After all, I’m a regular practitioner of yoga; I meditate; I work with my breathing all the time; I take vitamins and Chinese herbs, for goodness sake!  How could these physical breakdowns be happening?

Fortunately, I have friends in the healing arts that are willing to work with me to “cure my ills.”  This turns out to be both the good and bad news.  Good because I always feel better after a session with one of them.  Bad because I come away with yet another reinforcement that my physical, mental and emotional state at any given time is ultimately my responsibility.

What I keep learning (and subsequently forgetting) over and over again is that the condition of my body is often a reflection of a deeper state of being.  In a perfect design of nature, the aches and pains are literally calling to me, trying to tell me something about what’s going on in my life.  Perhaps my thinking is clouded by negativity, my emotional state is unbalanced, or I’m operating out of some old belief that isn’t serving me in the present.

Which brings me back to my pain in the neck.  After a few recent therapeutic sessions, involving both bodywork and counseling, I was finally willing to embrace that my neck (and shoulders and back, using my neck as the “mouthpiece”) was trying to tell me something.  Deciphering the code, however, took further self reflection until I reached one of those “aha” moments that often come in the middle of a sleepless night.

The message?  I feel burdened, and that deep seated feeling is blocking me from being more effective and successful in my work.  This revelation seems so obvious to me now, and I probably sensed it on some level of awareness.  But it often takes much contemplation and support from others to gain the kind of down to your toes insight that has the potential to help alter the way you approach a situation.

In order not to waste this hard-won new information I have set an intention to begin each morning upon waking with this mantra: Embrace life as a gift rather than carry it as a burden.

And the greatest benefit of neck pain to a slow learner like me?  When I feel the pain, I’ve slipped from gift to burden.  The pain is my opportunity to listen and learn.

–  A.G.R

 

Note: S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

Note: S-l-o-w Learner is a series based on the premise that I seem to require more time than most to learn basic life lessons.

Among my least favorite folks on the planet are self-help “experts” who dispense simplistic advice in response to complex and challenging issues.  Whenever we encounter such gurus and wizards of the obvious around our household, we just look at each other and say, “You know how you are?  Don’t be that way!”  Or, as my mom used to say, “Snap out of it!”

For example, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you’re a procrastinator, you should probably stop putting off ‘til tomorrow what you can do today.  No kidding!

I recently found a web site that listed the major causes of procrastination as feeling obligated to do something, being overwhelmed by the task, and fear of making mistakes.  And the solutions offered?  Change your feeling to wanting to do something, take it one step at a time, and stop being afraid of making mistakes.  Wow! Why didn’t I think of that?

While I don’t disagree with these suggestions, I don’t find the advice helpful in dealing with issues like rebellion, overwhelm and fear that have plagued me for a lifetime.  How do I change my feelings or stop being afraid?  By wishing it was so?  Just changing my mind?

Here’s a self-help example I found on another web site regarding anger management: when your anger has reached the boiling point (whatever that is), just walk away. 

That sounds reasonable.  Unfortunately, when I’m in the middle of an angry exchange, especially if it’s escalating, I usually don’t have the presence of mind to “just walk away.”  If I was really that present and rational, I probably wouldn’t be so angry in the first place!

Last but not least, another self-help site offers this easy way to “find your life purpose” in 20 minutes:

1) Write (or type) at the top of the page, “What is my true purpose in life?”

2) Write any answer that pops into your head.

3) Repeat Step 2 until you write the answer that makes you cry. 

This is your purpose.

While I believe writing exercises like this can be helpful in stimulating thinking, getting the creative juices flowing, and even producing meaningful insight, I am astounded that anyone would claim in bold headlines that I can find my life purpose in 20 minutes.

I think it would take me at least a half hour.  But then again, I am a s-l-o-w learner.

-  A.G.R

 

Because of my mild mannered persona, few people are aware that for much of my life I was exceedingly angry.  Most of the time I somehow managed to contain my rage and reserved its expression for selected opportunities when I could let loose on total strangers. 

One of my favorite opportunities was behind the wheel.  For those who think road rage is a recent phenomenon, let me share a story from twenty years back that served as an initial wake up call to try dealing with my anger more appropriately.

On this particular occasion I was driving on the freeway with my usual “model citizen” flare when out of nowhere some a**h*le in a Ford Ranger came roaring up from behind.  After coming within inches of slamming into the rear end of my car, he managed by sheer luck to swerve sharply to the left and accelerate past me in a cloud of exhaust.

Within seconds I was consumed by a seething rage.  Not to be outdone by this wise guy, I immediately sped up, coming within inches of slamming into two other cars on my way to catching up with him.

When I was able to move up alongside his truck, I mouthed some words not repeatable on a PG-13 blog while raising my hand in an extended middle finger gesture commonly denoted as negative in intent.  As I sped past his truck I noticed that he reacted with an expression of incredulous indignation while returning his own extended middle finger gesture.

I assumed we had completed our interaction to our mutual satisfaction until I noticed in my rear view mirror that he was approaching my car at a high rate of speed in what I came to realize was the beginning of an actual car chase. 

When he was close behind me, he began pointing and gesturing to his right, until I realized with horror that he was asking me to pull over to the side of the freeway.  Since I had no intention of complying with his request, I assessed my few remaining options and astutely decided that speeding up was the best approach.

Literally driving for my life with Mr. Ford Ranger in hot pursuit, I sped on in a state of helpless panic I have rarely experienced in my life.  Thinking he might not want to go out of his way, I decided to take the next exit leading to a two-lane country road.  When I saw him follow me with a gleefully insane look on his face, I knew I had made the wrong decision.  This guy seemed willing to follow me to hell and back.

With increased traffic and no passing lane, I couldn’t drive as fast on this road as I had on the freeway.  This allowed my pursuer to accelerate right up to my bumper, back off slightly, accelerate again, and so on.  Then a flash of supreme bone chilling fear overtook me as I saw him lean over and reach for something from his glove compartment.  I could literally imagine how the bullet would feel passing through my head as I’m losing control of the car and flying over the embankment to the valley 100 yards below.

Just at that moment the road widened, with large shoulders on either side, allowing me to make a split second U-turn and head back to the freeway at lightning speed.  Though I assumed the Ford Ranger would make the same maneuver and continue the pursuit, I kept my concentration on the road ahead and didn’t look back. 

When I finally saw the freeway entrance ahead, I ventured a glance in the rear view mirror and felt the first glimmer of hope and redemption.  There was no sign of the truck.  I didn’t allow myself to breathe a deep sigh of relief until I had driven on the freeway for another few minutes without my pursuer in tow.

It was probably at least six months after this incident before I reverted to my familiar road rage, but I traded my middle finger gesture for a big shrug and incredulous facial sneer, a less risky but equally satisfying approach to conveying my disdain for annoying drivers.

-  A.G.R

 

Noun: introject  `intru'jekt

(psychoanalysis) parental figures (and their values) that you introjected as a child; the voice of conscience is usually a parent's voice internalized

Verb: introject  `intru'jekt

Incorporate (attitudes or ideas) into one's personality unconsciously

Unfortunately I discovered the concept of introjection rather late in life after I had floundered for many years struggling with and unconsciously demonstrating its power through various and sundry inappropriate behavior. 

Carrying around an accumulation of internalized values and ideas that date to the 1940’s and 1950’s is not as fun as it sounds.  I don’t share some of my contemporaries’ notions of “the good old days.”

As a child I was such a willing and apt pupil, wanting to please authority at any cost.  I lapped up all the paranoia and restrictive, contradictory rules and regulations the grownup world could throw at me with the eagerness of a cocker spaniel.

As an “adult” I tried to sort out and reconcile my childhood introjects by unconsciously repeating the same ineffective behaviors I had developed in reaction to them.

When I finally understood (with some very supportive help) and began to bring up and let go of introjects that no longer served a useful purpose, I could also begin releasing my unwanted compulsive behavior.

I think of the whole circular process of introjection and the subsequent awareness and release as “binging and purging.”  As a child I was compelled to “eat” whatever the authorities could dish out, and as an adult I want to heave until I get it out of my system.

-  A.G.R

 

In the process of building the 'True and Useful' blog I’ve been researching and re-reading books and literature from a wide spectrum of thought, beliefs, and life experience.  One message being delivered consistently in countless sources ranging from Buddhism and psychology to the Bible and Dale Carnegie training: it’s more beneficial to focus on changing our minds rather than trying to change anything outside ourselves. 

Yet, despite the fact that I’ve frequently encountered this basic concept of changing yourself first on the long and winding road of self discovery, only in recent years have I been able to even approach making it real in my day to day life.

It’s not that I haven’t worked hard on trying to change myself, but at the same time I’ve expended a lot of energy banging my head against a wall of resistance trying to change something or somebody else.  To say I’m a slow learner is an understatement.

Sorting out the difference between having some influence over others or outside events and controlling or changing people and situations to match my ideas and needs has been an especially painful process.  I’ve spent too many years feeling angry and disappointed, and sometimes shocked, that the world simply wouldn’t bend to my will nor accommodate my wishes, especially given what a nice guy I thought I was.  As a good friend of mine often said, “How rude!”

So, if any of you are struggling with the concept of what you can change vs. what you can’t, you might save yourself a lot of time, energy and even pain by giving the idea some thought.  Perhaps try reading or consulting some of your favorite sources of wisdom and knowledge for inspiration and guidance.

Meanwhile, I’ll just return to my head banging.

-  A.G.R